God, I’m Angry – Jasmine’s Journey of Healing

Yesterday was a tough day.  I was already dealing with some challenges when I walked into Jasmine’s bedroom and saw that she was having a “flare up” and was in too much pain to get out of bed.  “That’s it!  God, I’m done trusting You for her healing.  You’re God.  You can heal her or not heal her without my faith or prayers.  I’m tired of being devastated when You don’t show up for her.”  I was angry and spent the next few minutes making that clear to God.

I’ve been seeing an amazing christian counselor who is helping me get some healing I need in my own life.  One thing she told me recently was that I need to give everything as I seek to know God and be filled with His presence.  At first her comment offended me.  My response was, “But I’ve been doing that for years.  I’ve been reading, journalling, and praying His Word faithfully.  I’ve been studying about how to be filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit.  What more can I do?”  Her answer challenged me in my christian walk as she said, “You are striving to find Him. Just sit with Him as you listen to your favorite worship songs.  Let Him fill you and speak to you.  Let Him find you.”

The truth is that’s all I have the strength for right now anyway.  It was just what I needed to hear from her; to rest in the beauty of worship.  So this morning I humbled myself before my God of grace, asking Him to forgive me for my angry outburst yesterday, knowing that He fully understands and has the power to pull me back up to where His glory dwells.  I’m still feeling frustrated with this whole “healing thing” but I’m submitting it all to Him as I wait to hear what He wants to speak to my heart.